Honoring Our Ancestors Is The Only Way Forward
We can accept the good, acknowledge the bad, and leave the past in the past.
No matter who our ancestors are, whether they were philanthropists, mobsters, good samaritans, murderers, or just average people who suffered like average people do, we are who we are today because of, and in spite of, them. And the only way to move forward in our own lives, with less suffering, more joy, and more ease, is to thank them for the good things they gave us, acknowledge their crimes, misdeeds, and suffering, and leave the past with them. After all, we didn’t live through the times they did, nor did we interact with the people they interacted with, so we can’t honestly say we would have made different decisions. Who are we to judge?
What does the past have to do with us?
If you’ve ever felt crippling anxiety (or constantly worry about money), unreasonably lashed out at another person, or felt helpless, hopeless, and depressed even though your life looks outwardly successful, there’s a good chance that those feelings don’t belong to you. Family trauma can be inherited, and usually we don’t know when or why or how we became entangled with the past experiences of a relative. Oftentimes, it’s the forgotten relatives, the ones who died young, or the ones who were ostracized and never mentioned who we become entangled with. We subconsciously try to amend the mistakes or poor fortune of our ancestors by trying to recreate the situations in our own lives so we can fix the problem that happened a generation or more before us. (If you don’t believe me, ask your parents, aunts, and uncles about your family—it’s likely someone has already suffered in the same way you are suffering today.) Unfortunately, trying to fix the past doesn’t really work (nor is it needed), and we dig ourselves into a miserable, hopeless hole.
How does one become disentangled?
Fortunately, we can help ourselves, and it’s not very hard. I have personally found systemic family constellations combined with the Compassion Key to be the most effective way to resolve my emotional triggers. [I only know of one facilitator who works this way, applying both modalities together.] Before this work, I tried psychotherapy (four years), yoga, NLP, and family constellations (without the Compassion Key), with little to show for it. I can definitively say that my emotional state improved by leaps and bounds after a handful of sessions of constellations with compassion.
Most of my friends know that I was estranged from my parents for a year, and that I lived in fear of my father, and that for years, I couldn’t stand to be around either of my parents. I would spend holidays with friends. I had nothing to say to my parents, and I couldn’t share details of my life with them (I didn’t even tell them I had moved after breaking up with a boyfriend), because I felt so unsafe around them. This Christmas, after the constellations and compassion work, I spent 10 days living with my parents, and it was fun! This was the longest time I had spent with my parents in 9 years. We talked seriously, talked lightheartedly, ate meals together, watched movies, went for walks, and just enjoyed being together. Even though I’m an adult and we can relate on an adult level, I could still act like their kid, joke with them the way that only kids can joke with their parents, and at all times feel their love and protection. Having had such a difficult upbringing and subsequent PTSD, I could not have imagined that we could interact with each other in the way we do now. My life has changed.
[Energy clearing, as taught by Jean Haner, produced noticeable results for me, such as the ability to calm myself down when I was spiraling. More importantly, after having a space clearing by one of Jean’s students, I noticed an immediate change in my behavior, in that I was no longer bothered by things that didn’t go how I expected. Instead of going into a downward spiral of shaming and blaming myself for not having made better plans, I would momentarily be disappointed, but then I would also immediately think of a solution. After the space clearing, when things went wrong, I skipped the downward spiral of shaming and blaming myself. Permanently. If you can relate to this, this is HUGE. For that, I will always be grateful for Jean and her teachings, and I still think what she teaches has tremendous value. It’s just that energy clearing is less direct—we never know what it is we are clearing—and I am impatient, so I’m personally focusing on constellations and the Compassion Key, as facilitated by Oana Marcu.]
Are There Other Ways to Get to the Same Result?
We are all unique, but we are all human. We are capable of incredible complexity, but we are wired simply, which is why I named this site, Inherent Elegance. I truly believe the solutions to our problems are usually simpler than we think.
I personally have not tried using drugs to help with PTSD or other emotional problems, but other people have seen good results. Here is a detailed account of Tucker Max’s experience with MDMA therapy (h/t Rational Awakening).
In an episode of the Jordan B. Peterson Podcast, Jordan and Warren Farrell discuss Dr. Farrell’s research into what makes men (and fathers, especially) necessary and why feminists misunderstand “the patriarchy”. More importantly, in the last five minutes of the podcast, Dr. Farrell brings up the fact that we need to understand that our ancestors created the world we live in because they were trying to make our lives better. They were doing their best, with good intentions, and we need to honor that.
More Information About Systemic Family Constellations